It’s all about preparation right? If you are properly prepared, you can nail anything. Before I had kids I had no idea. No idea what I was letting myself in for on a daily basis. So, for anyone yet to embark on parenthood, this post should help you prepare for the next 18 years of your life. Just call it a practice run…
Make sure you have a loud alarm set for 5.30 am every day. (For full effect you will need to set this alarm to go off at regular intervals during the night also). When said alarm goes off, make sure you jump straight out of bed before you are properly awake. As an added extra, download the sound of a whinging child or baby crying. Make sure your alarm is very close to your ear and is LOUD.
Decide you want Cheerios for breakfast. Pour Cheerios. Change your mind and decide you actually want toast.
Once you’ve made your toast and finally sat down to eat it, throw it at the wall. Then remember you are actually pretty hungry. Make more toast.
Throw your orange juice down your top but DONT CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES, (there’s no point as you need to accept from this point onwards you will never wear clean clothes for longer than 5 minutes).
Don’t finish your breakfast because you are too busy trying to scrub the wall.
Ensure that any decent clothes are removed from your wardrobe. Instead, your only clothes must either be maternity clothes (ideally from the wrong season) or clothes that are way too small for you. You can only wear these clothes until you have some more money to buy more.
You will never have any money to buy more.
Leaving the House
Spend at least 30 minutes packing your bag for the day. At the very least, make sure this bag contains:
- Key, purse, phone (and any of the normal things you would usually take out with you) plus:
- 1x bottle of milk
- 2x drinks
- At least 10 nappies (even though you’ll only be out for a couple of hours- I mean you just never know)
- More snacks
- Spare clothes (a whole range needed-don’t forget socks)
- Sun cream
- Lip balm
- Hand sanitizer
- Even more snacks.
Pack and repack this bag at least 8 times before resigning yourself to the fact that you are bound to forget something (although just don’t for god sake let it be the snacks).
Make sure one of your shoes is missing. Search the house for said shoe for 10 minutes before you realise you are now late and give up. Dig out wellies instead (ok so its 25 degrees and sunny but there may still be the odd bit of mud – you can style this out).
Walk out the door and close it behind you. Open it again. Go back inside to get something. Repeat times 10.
Stop to inspect a dirty leaf on the front step. Bend down to touch it. Fall over when you go to stand up and graze your knee.
Go back inside a get plasters. Put one on your knee but then decide you don’t like the fact that it is a plain one and not from the Disney box you had last week. Take plaster off.
Getting in the Car
Throw your bag in the footwell of the back seat. Make sure your bag is not properly done up so all 3000 items fall out all over the floor. For extra points, ensure you have crushed up some biscuits into the floor and dropped some mouldy raisins in beforehand.
Pick up all items from floor (including biscuit crumbs and mouldy raisins) and stuff back into your bag.
Open each car door in turn and do the seat belts up. If you can, find some sort of wriggly mammal (a penguin would be great) to strap into each seat whilst attempting to do the straps over its flapping wings.
Bang your head on the roof when going to stand up straight.
Pre record your self asking every single question that you can ever think of. Questions should be completely random and follow no theme whatsoever.
Some examples to help you out are as follows:
- What does traffic jam taste like?
- Why does my nursery teacher have big arms?
- Where do babies come from?
Make sure that this recording is interspersed with the sound of a cat wailing loudly.
Turn around several times to make sure your penguins are not fighting,
Every so often throw a snack into the back.
Going out for lunch
Order you food. While waiting for food, tip your bag upside down to try and find that one favourite toy you know you brought with you. You didn’t bring it (that’s what you forgot then).
Accept colouring pencils offered to you by waiter. Realise that all the pencils are broken. Wait for waiter to walk off then try and find him again to ask him for a pencil sharpener.
Ensure that all pencils are sharpened and ready to use just as food arrives.
Have two mouthfuls. Decide you need the toilet.
Make sure you go to the toilets signposted as ‘baby change’ and wait outside (I can assure you there will be a queue). Once inside, realise that you left your baby wipes on the table when tipping out your bag earlier. Go back to get them. Get back in queue.
Sit down to eat (cold) food. Tip your blackcurrent juice over your lap.
Using public toilets
Think you have already done this once on this trip and won’t need to do it again? Wrong!
Go to normal toilets this time (no queue here at least, yippee!)
Bend down and look under the cubicle next to you. Laugh and point and the old lady on the toilet. Apologise profusely to old lady for your behaviour.
Go to wash your hands, but as you do, catch sight of the handryer. Stuff your fingers into your ears and scream hysterically. Use toilet paper to dry your hands instead (if this doesn’t disintegrate all over your hands, congratulate yourself on a personal win).
Find a sound track of a screaming baby and play it louder than you can tolerate, all the way home.
Repeat all of the above every day for 3 years.
So what do you think? Are you sold on the kids thing yet?
*disclaimer to my children if you ever read this: The above is meant in jest, you are the three best things to have ever come into my life. But seriously, I hope you’ve now grown out of the hand dryer thing as admittedly, that is bloody annoying…